The Basketmaker’s Build-a-Partner Bar

Dating is exhausting. Between the apps, the awkward first dates, and trying to find someone who checks all your boxes, wouldn’t it be nice if you could just build your ideal partner from scratch? Well, that’s pretty much the premise of Wicker, the upcoming film starring Olivia Colman, Peter Dinklage, and Alexander Skarsgård, hitting theaters October 23.

In the movie, Colman plays a lonely fisherwoman who decides she’s had enough of waiting around for the perfect husband. Instead, she commissions the village basketmaker, played by Dinklage, to weave her one exactly to her specifications. The result? Alexander Skarsgård. Handcrafted, handsome, and apparently built to last. I mean, if you’re going to custom-order a man, you might as well aim high.

And as someone who’s spent years helping people find their perfect pleasure products, I have to say, there’s something to be said for knowing exactly what you want and not settling for less. Especially when it comes to your toys! Why settle for a shape, size, or sensation that doesn’t quite work for you when there are so many options out there?

That’s where the Basketmaker’s Build-a-Partner Bar comes in. Consider this your opportunity to commission your very own dream lover, no awkward small talk, dating profiles, or splinters required.

Here’s how it works: I’m asking you six questions about your ideal toy’s length, girth, firmness, texture, curve, and color. Keep track of the letters you choose, and at the end, whichever letter you picked most will reveal your perfect match from the Horny Stoner shelves. Think of it as a dating quiz, except instead of telling you which fictional character you’re compatible with, I’m helping you find a toy you’ll actually want to take home.

And don’t worry, we’re not sacrificing quality for the fantasy. Every match is made from body-safe silicone or glass, because a little fantasy is fun, but body-safe materials are nonnegotiable.

Ready to put in your custom order? Let’s see what the basketmaker has in store for you.

How it works: Answer six questions about your ideal partner’s length, girth, firmness, texture, curve and color. Keep track of your letters. At the end, count up which letter you picked most, and we’ll match you with your made-to-order lover from the HornyStoner shelves. Every match is body-safe silicone or glass, because we have standards.

Place Your Order With the Basketmaker

1. The basketmaker pulls out his measuring tape. How tall is your lover?

• A. Petite and sweet. Good things come in 5 to 6 inch packages.
• B. Tall, dark and handsome. Give me a solid 7.5 to 8 inches.
• C. Average height, but he knows what he’s doing. Technique over length.
• D. Size is the least interesting thing about him. Surprise me.

2. Now for the girth. How does he fill out that wicker frame?

• A. Slim and easygoing. No warm-up marathon required.
• B. Thick and substantial. I want to feel the craftsmanship.
• C. Medium, but every inch is doing something interesting.
• D. Whatever fits the vibe of the party.

3. A villager whispers that he’s as strong as a tree. How firm do you want him?

• A. Soft and squishy. A cuddler.
• B. Firm on the inside, soft on the outside. Emotionally available and sturdy.
• C. Rock hard. Strong as a tree, and I mean the actual tree.
• D. I don’t care how firm he is as long as he buzzes.

4. Run your hand along his weave. What do you feel?

• A. Silky smooth, like a fresh set of satin sheets.
• B. Hand-sculpted, artsy curves. He’s basically a sculpture.
• C. Ribs, ridges and nubs. If he’s woven, I want to feel every strand.
• D. Sparkles, glitter, a glow. Texture is a state of mind.

5. Every good husband has a little bend in him. What’s his curve?

• A. A gentle tilt aimed right at the G-spot.
• B. An ergonomic, sculpted bend. Designed, not accidental.
• C. Straight, wavy or spiraled. He keeps things interesting.
• D. Curve? I’m here for a good time, not a geometry lesson.

6. Time to pick his finish. What color is your dream partner?

• A. Pink, crimson or something blush-worthy.
• B. Deep jewel tones, like violet or midnight indigo.
• C. Crystal clear. Show off the handiwork.
• D. Glow-in-the-dark, neon or confetti. Make him a nightlight.

Tally your letters, and scroll down to meet your match.

Meet Your Made-to-Order Lover

Mostly A’s: The Sweetheart

You ordered a gentle romantic who shows up with flowers and hits the G-spot on the first date. He’s compact, silky-soft and always blushing. Low pressure, high devotion.

Your lover	Why he’s the one
Temptasia Jezebel 6 in. Curved Silicone Dildo, Crimson	Soft platinum-cure silicone, a G-spot curve and a heart-shaped suction base. He literally wears his heart on his bottom.
Avant D15 Vision of Love 5.5 in. Silicone Dildo	Petite, hand-sculpted and pretty enough to leave on the nightstand.
Avant Pride P3 Beauty 5.5 in. Silicone Dildo	Sweet, smooth and harness-compatible if you two want to go out on the town.

Mostly B’s: The Tall, Dark and Sculpted

You commissioned a work of art. He’s tall, deeply colored and built with a firm core under soft skin, which is basically the wicker husband’s whole appeal, in body-safe silicone.

Your lover	Why he’s the one
Avant D12 Suko 8 in. Dual Density Silicone Dildo, Indigo	Eight inches of firm-core, soft-skin silicone in midnight indigo. The headliner.
Avant D9 Ergo Mini 7 in. Dual Density Silicone Dildo, Violet	Same dual-density build with an ergonomic bend, a little more approachable.
Avant D3 Summer Fling 8 in. Silicone Dildo	Tall, hand-sculpted and swirled with color. The one you show off.

Mostly C’s: The Wicker Husband

Congratulations, you ordered the actual movie husband. You want him strong as a tree, rock hard and covered in texture you can feel strand by strand. Glass is your material: it’s firm, non-porous and shows off every ridge the artisan put into it.

Your lover	Why he’s the one
Glas 8 in. Ribbed G-Spot Glass Dildo	Ribbed, rock-hard and aimed at the G-spot. The closest thing to woven you can safely own.
Glas 7 in. Callisto Clear Glass Dildo	Spiraled ridges and thick nubs in crystal-clear glass. Handiwork on full display.
Icicles No. 8 Wavy 7 in. Glass Dildo, Blue/Clear	Hand-blown waves from top to bottom. He keeps things interesting.
Temptasia Twist 5.5 in. Curved Dildo, Black	Prefer your texture in squishier silicone? This swirled, slim option still has that woven feel.

Mostly D’s: The Party Animal

You didn’t order a husband. You ordered a good time. He glows, he buzzes, and he’s the loudest thing in the village square.

Your lover	Why he’s the one
Addiction Brandon 7.5 in. Glow in the Dark Silicone Dildo, Pink	Lights out, he lights up. Vibration-compatible, too.
Addiction Luke 7.5 in. Glow in the Dark Silicone Dildo, Blue	Brandon’s blue-glowing twin, for the one who prefers cool tones.
Glas 8.25 in. Glass Naturals Chili Pepper Dildo	A glass chili pepper. Does it need more explanation? Spicy.

A Little of Everything: Commission the Original

Can’t pick one letter? You don’t want an off-the-shelf lover. You want a true custom commission, so be your own basketmaker. Molding kits let you cast an exact silicone replica of a partner (or yourself) at home.

Pro tip: practice with a banana first. Every basketmaker needs an apprentice piece, and a banana is the classic test run for getting your mold timing right before the real thing.

Your lover	Why he’s the one
Clone-A-Willy Vibrating Kit	Make an exact vibrating silicone copy of your favorite person. Comes in skin tones, hot pink, jet black and glow-in-the-dark.
Clone-A-Willy Plus with Balls	The full commission, balls included.
Clone-A-Pussy Casting Kit	Cast a silicone replica of a vulva. Wicker wife energy.
Clone-A-Willy Molding Powder Refill	For when the banana practice run goes sideways.

Your Commission Is Ready for Pickup

The fisherwoman had to wait for a basketmaker to weave her a man. You just have to wait for shipping.

Whatever you ordered, remember the golden rule of the Build-a-Partner Bar: hand-woven is for husbands on the big screen. In real life, stick to body-safe silicone and glass. For why, read our guide Please Don’t Use Wicker: A Body-Safe Materials Guide.