How not to be an asshole to your insecure lover

Like I wrote about in previous posts, there are lots of people in the world who don’t fit neatly into societies view of beauty.

If you’re not thin, white, straight, and very presenting in your gender, then you might not see yourself represented in beauty magazines, tv, movies, or even social media feeds.  

Dating can add all kind of issues when you’re already insecure. So dating someone who is insecure about any number of things can be like navigating a minefield that you didn’t create. So below are some tips for helping you date an insecure person. Read this first hand account from a fellow far person here.

insecure lover1.

Don’t make it seem like you’re the only one that will ever be attracted to them. This is a tactic that people use especially with fat people, so don’t be that person. There’s a lid for every pot and just because this one coupling didn’t work, doesn’t mean there won’t be other options down the road. 


Don’t say you want a relationship if you really only want a hookup. Be realistic about your current wants and needs. You’ll find that people will not only respect that honesty but will usually either met you or compromise. Or you’ll cut your losses and meet someone who can meet your needs completely. 


People are vulnerable, be kind, gentle and compassionate. It’s that simple. 


Don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back for being kind. Yes, we are all grateful when we meet people who are kind to us. But it should be a standard, and because it isn’t don’t ruin it for yourself by wanting to be thanked profusely for being kind. 


Treat people how you’d want to be treated. I know this seems obvious, but it’s not always. Think of how your speaking to the person you’re sleeping with. Is this something I would say to my best friend? If it’s not then maybe examine why you’re saying it to this person

insecure lover

​Be an Ally

  • Don’t be ashamed of your lover’s body. If you’re not into sleeping with them, just don’t. There are millions of people in the world!
  • Be my backup if someone is disrespectful. Sometimes that will mean standing up in public if someone is saying something fucked up, or that can mean supporting me in private later when I need to talk.
  • Make sure I’m physically comfortable. Sometimes spaces can be physically uncomfortable for size reasons, or maybe I’m the only POC in a room full of white people. Ask me how you can help me feel comfortable. 
  • if I’m not comfortable don’t make me feel bad for wanting to change plans.
  • Tell me you take pleasure in me
  • Take my needs seriously
  • Don’t pester me about food or weight issues (or any issues that cause insecurity)
  • Discourage body shaming jokes

Read this post about loving your partners body here!

Tell me more of your tips in the comments, or tweet me!

insecure lover